Sunday, November 14, 2010

Just a passing whimsey

So for the last few weeks I've needed to say a few things that I can't really say to anyone. Since no one remembers I have this, here is a perfect spot to vent.

I like being alone. Sometimes I miss having someone to hold. But, for the most part, I really do prefer being alone. I don't have to lie to someone, I don't have to tell them I love them, I don't have to spend money on them to get them to care for me, I don't have to face disappointment. I know that all sounds cynical, but it's all I've ever known in relationships. They force me to lie, they beg for me to admit my love, they make me feel like I have to pay for everything, and then they disappoint me in the end. I'm tired of slaving for relationships. So, I'm happy to be alone.

Second thing? I can't even say it on here. For fear that someone really will remember that I have this.

You know how in July I sliced open my leg and got stitches? I couldn't feel it. Not a single sting. I was so dead then that I couldn't feel. I know I told everyone I did it to get control over myself, but sometimes I wonder if that was really the reason.

My little bro is coming home from his tour of duty in Afghanistan. He hits stateside on the 21st of this month and then will be in Utah on Dec 3rd. It's good that he'll be home. I missed him.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Proud USMC Sister....

My little bro went and joined up with the Marines. He graduates boot camp on the 30th of this month. I got a picture of him swearing in to head to boot camp... see?

I get to drive 12 hours to go see his graduation. But it's worth it. He's finally doing something he absolutely loves and something that is worthwhile.

Of course... now I'm obsessed with Marines. Which is funny since many of my old friends have become Marines. And I found out my maternal grandfather was a marine also. Marines surround me!

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Sunday, November 19, 2006


I've decided I don't know what to do with life. Just as soon as I start to think I'm figuring out one part of it another goes to shit. Or changes on me so drastically I feel like I have to run to catch up to the changes. It's exhausting trying to keep up with everything and learn to adapt to it.

I know a lot about exhaustion right now... I've been averaging 3 hours of sleep each night. It is not very good. But I've not dotten my head out of my ass to call a doctor and get everything fixed. I apparantly lie when I say I hate to whine. I seem to find myself doing it a lot. I hate lying, liars, and whiners. Therefore.... I really HATE myself.

What's new??

Thursday, November 16, 2006


Learning to clog by phone :)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Useless Wishes

Sometimes I wish that I could be deaf. The deaf can't overhear conversations. The deaf can't be nosy. They don't but into conversations. They have no idea if their best friend in the world is saying the worst shiv in the world. They can be blissfully happy in their ignorance.

Sometimes I wish I could be blind. The blind can't see the hurt on the faces of those around them. The blind can't see how badly someone looks after a break up. The blind can't see those little smiles that should be meant for her but go to another. The blind can't witness betrayal.

Sometimes I wish I was dead. But that's a useless wish. I can't die. I have to hear. I have to see. The world is cruel and I have to be here... watching... listening.... crying.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Worries and Parties

How do you tell your family something your not even sure about? I've got a secret from them and I don't want to tell them because of how they might react. Besides I'm not even sure about it yet. They're already mad at me for my choice of boyfriends. They think it's just a rebound thing. Which it may be... but I'm not feeling like it is anymore. I think it started out as a rebound thing then turned into something else. I don't know. It'd be nice if he wasn't so much like Ex, Cousin, and OB(older brother). He's got a lot of their traits.

Enough whining though. Talk about fetish night! New Years Eve bash. Damn! I've never danced more in my life. Wanted to stay longer but one of the people with us sort of started whining about a headache. That and I got massively hungry. Like ready to chew thru a random person hungry. So we left a little before one. Still didn't crawl into sleep until around three and was up this morning about sevenish for work. Where I've been bored out of my skull! Damn people with hangovers not calling in for assistance with the phones they broke in their drunken states last night!

Ah... back to the grind