Thoughts Running Through My Mind
What is the first thing people really notice about me? Well besides my breasts. I know people can't help but notice them. And I think I purposely flaunt them. I crave attention. But when I get attention I get nervous. I crave not only attention but the ability to be invisible. I like hearing people have mentioned me to someone else. It always amazes me that they remember me. Okay, honestly, it just amazes me they took the time to NOT forget me. I'm somewhat forgetable in my own mind.I remember when I was younger I would get lost in a crowd. Only I wouldn't be lost. I'd be walking right behind my group. I was just invisible enough and small enough that people would look right over me. They would look around and ask where I'd gone and I'd just smile to myself. I got used to being invisible. You hear more when your a quiet mouse than if you were a roaring lion. You hear things sometimes, though, that you'd probably not wanted to hear. But that's a hazard of being invisible. You have to take the good with the bad in every situation.
But then I got boobs. And then I gained weight. Now I wasn't so small and invisible. I was still forgetable. And if I tried hard enough I could stay hidden from view for a long time. I once hid in a pile of laundry for three hours. My Dad's girlfriend was even washing the laundry I was hiding in. When she wandered away after I'd been hiding for three hours I snuck out of the clothes and went to my room. To hide under my bed.
I crave darkness. I can hide in a closet for long hours. I can wander through a darkened house without fright. I can hide in the comforting dark. It wraps around me like an old friend. It's almost as good as being invisible. Almost.
But when you're invisible you don't make friends. And I like being invisible, but I crave friendships to. So I crave attention sometimes. It's a warring fraction of my character. It hates when I get depressed and wrap myself in dark nights and darker corners. My need for attention hates my need to be invisible. But my need for attention is much younger. And not as strong yet. So when I do get attention I don't know what to do with it. And I crave to be invisible again.
Gods this is a long post isn't it. I'm sorry. I'm just typing things as they run through my mind. It's easier than working.
I started packing up my life yesterday. I could only manage two boxes. Then I had to stop. It was going to make me cry. It hurts to pack a life away. It's like ripping an arm off. I have to start over though. I have no choice. I will have to pack up then unpack in the new house. At least I'll have most of the downstairs to myself. And I have a big closet in my room. It even has a section in it that isn't behind doors. It's behind a wall. So it's very dark there. And looks like a wonderful spot to hide and sleep in. If I go missing once I've moved into the new house you'll know where to look. You'll find me in my darkness.
posted by Skitz @ 5/25/2004 08:07:00 AM
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