Saturday, November 05, 2005

Changes and Hopes

He left. Said he'd had enough on July 27th. Filed for divorce August 26th. It's finalized fifteen days after November 28th. I moved out of the apartment after coming back from my trip to Alaska. Let him have it until the end of the lease in September. Got my name taken off it and everything. Just had the bills left in my name (meaning power and gas, had already turned off the phone). The water bill is going to be his though. Wonder if he ever paid it. He lost his $13 an hour job the begining of October. I only know this because he'd decided we could be "friends with benefits." I was okay with that as long as it was on my morals and he asked me before sleeping with anyone else. He couldn't even do that. He cleaned his room the night before he slept with her. I think he likes her because of the fact that she already has two kids from two different guys. And subconsciously he's always wanted his own. He's got one. He just never gets to see Kristapher. Wasn't even sure Kristapher was his for the longest time. I always knew. But don't worry about anything I say. I'm not intelligent. I don't know anything about the way people work. Whatever. He fully left me about two weeks ago now. Our one year anniversary was Halloween. I emailed him to tell him happy anniversary. He couldn't get back to me for four whole days... almost five. Now though, everyone is avoiding talking to me. It seems like they've taken his side. Even though it's most likely that they just want to stay out of it all. I tried suicide when he fully left. Failed miserably at that to. Just ended up throwing up all night and couldn't stop shaking for four days afterwards. I'm not sure if he knows about the full details of that though. I want to be able to move on. I really do. But it's hard to convice myself that I won't fail again. That there is someone out there who can help me deal with my insecurities and who will have patience with me. Who is willing to do the therapy more than just two sessions. Who will help me remember the medication I know I need to take but that I get frustrated taking because I can't remember to take it everyday. Who needs and loves me as much as I love him. If not more. Someone to hold me while I cry or to just sit close by so that I know I'm not alone. Who understands the devistation of death. Of never seeing that person again, never getting their advice or critisism. That death is a big deal and greiving is a normal thing. But also knows when to talk to me about their death and help me release the pain of it. I'm sorry Holly... I still can't release you. It still hurts too much to talk about you to anyone. I'm still pretending you're alive. Just... missing in action.
For applications to be my soulmate... email my cousin. She knows the absolute most about me. And has seen the problems in relationships before they even arose. She'll talk to the rest of the family before any one person is decided on...
Okay.. so you'll have to email me... and I'll pass the note on to her....
skitzoandpsyco at yahoo dot com

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