Thursday, July 07, 2005


I'm seeing a psychiatrist. For my marriage. She thinks I'm not sleeping due to medication. Had to retell her that I won't keep medication in my house that's any stronger than 200mg ibeprofen.

She says we're fighting so much due to our bad childhoods. Says we're both craving attention and validation.

May be that it's true. I said something similar just recently. Doesn't help this sinking feeling. I just want to cry.

I put on my happy face for work. But it exhausts me. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of smiling. I'm tired of moving, not being able to sleep, fighting, crying, and misunderstanding things. I just want to stop doing everything. I want to hide. To read for hours upon end with no interruptions. To hide from everything and everyone. To get away from all of it. Be somewhere I don't have to pretend. Where I can meet myself and decide how badly I've screwed myself up. See if I'm even worth fixing anymore.

Try to understand. I'm not really suicidal. I mean, yeah, I do think about overdosing, but that's why I don't keep meds in the house. I couldn't off myself any other way. But I need a release. I can't deal with myself for this long around others. I'm just a big sham.

I hurt. I'm sad. I'm tired. And I don't know why or how to fix it.