Tuesday, June 28, 2005

He's gone

Don't know if/when he'll come home. But in my head... it's because of me. Totally and completely. He told me right after I'd given him a list of the 29 different reasons my mind had come up with for him to leave me. He chose one to use that wasn't on there. He didn't allay my fears any. I've been up since 3 am. Didn't go to sleep until after eleven thirty. I can't eat. God I miss him. But that doesn't matter. He said he needs to move out so that he can "get better". Said his depression and mine don't coinside. Do you think he realizes that him leaving doesn't help mine get better? Only worse.

He mentioned cutting. Said he was getting himself away from it. But he left me right in the midsts of it. With a razor.... right over there.... on the microwave. It'd be so easy to reach out and touch it. Feel the slight sting as I scrape away the top layers of skin in a straight line. I never cut too deep. I hurts worse to cut it shallow and pull it apart. It prolongs the pain. I realized about four months ago that if I was ever going to kill myself, it'd be with an overdose. You won't feel an overdose right away. So you don't have to think "God, this hurts. I should stop doing this." At least, not until it's almost too late. And if you're in a house alone... there's no one to call 911 and get your stomache pumped for you. Just you, sobbing on the floor, knowing that you just royally screwed yourself. Pills are no guarantee that you'll die. Neither is anything else. But you might... you just might....

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Colorful Void

Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in some sort of void. Something is sucking out the joy in me. I watch as colors and people pass by, but I don't much care. Sure I have moments where I can think of nothing other than how happy I am. They're getting fewer and fewer though.

The older I get the less I seem to laugh.

I have to do things to make others laugh now before I can consider it. I have to see others having a good time at my expense before my brain feels that it's ok to enjoy the life around me. I've always known that my life isn't the worst out there. I also knew, though, that it was far from the best. That's my downfall. I don't know where exactly I am. That always drives me up a wall.

Mr Q (David/Anthony) and I are trying to have a better marriage, but it's so much of an uphill battle I sometimes just want to lay down and roll back to the bottom. I don't. Mostly because I'm curious as to if I can even make it to the top. Not to mention the curiosity of what it's like to be up there and how far I can see from that vantage point.

Not that I make much sense. Pardon my madness- I'm writing on only a few hours sleep.