Friday, May 28, 2004

Morality and Greener Grass

Is it wrong to decide long before you could even actually perform an act? How about if the act is marrying someone then divorcing them for half of all their assets? And if they hasn't got those assets yet? If they are currently using you for YOUR assets?

Morals are such a tetchy thing. Morally it would probably be wrong. In the eyes of Revenge though, it's a very sweet deal.

Consciously making a decision to use and lose a person. It's not the worlds best thing to do. And it angers people. But a lot of people seem to not care about it. As long as it's not done to them.

Should they care? Shouldn't they realize that, if a person is willing to do this to someone else they know, there's not much keeping them from doing it to them?

It's all a matter of view I guess. If you see it from the perps point of view you know it's slightly wrong but you have your own reasons for not caring. If you see it from the victims point of view it's a horrible, destructive, manipulative thing to do. And if you see it as a bystander... well I guess you could go either way.

Yes, by all means, sit on that fence until you know all the facts. Don't jump to either side yet. You may just find the grass on the otherside isn't plastic like the one you jumped on. Weigh the reasons for each action. Watch the by-plays. Judge the character. Then chose which side is greener. Because once you've jumped the fence there is no going back. Never.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Thoughts Running Through My Mind

What is the first thing people really notice about me? Well besides my breasts. I know people can't help but notice them. And I think I purposely flaunt them. I crave attention. But when I get attention I get nervous. I crave not only attention but the ability to be invisible. I like hearing people have mentioned me to someone else. It always amazes me that they remember me. Okay, honestly, it just amazes me they took the time to NOT forget me. I'm somewhat forgetable in my own mind.

I remember when I was younger I would get lost in a crowd. Only I wouldn't be lost. I'd be walking right behind my group. I was just invisible enough and small enough that people would look right over me. They would look around and ask where I'd gone and I'd just smile to myself. I got used to being invisible. You hear more when your a quiet mouse than if you were a roaring lion. You hear things sometimes, though, that you'd probably not wanted to hear. But that's a hazard of being invisible. You have to take the good with the bad in every situation.

But then I got boobs. And then I gained weight. Now I wasn't so small and invisible. I was still forgetable. And if I tried hard enough I could stay hidden from view for a long time. I once hid in a pile of laundry for three hours. My Dad's girlfriend was even washing the laundry I was hiding in. When she wandered away after I'd been hiding for three hours I snuck out of the clothes and went to my room. To hide under my bed.

I crave darkness. I can hide in a closet for long hours. I can wander through a darkened house without fright. I can hide in the comforting dark. It wraps around me like an old friend. It's almost as good as being invisible. Almost.

But when you're invisible you don't make friends. And I like being invisible, but I crave friendships to. So I crave attention sometimes. It's a warring fraction of my character. It hates when I get depressed and wrap myself in dark nights and darker corners. My need for attention hates my need to be invisible. But my need for attention is much younger. And not as strong yet. So when I do get attention I don't know what to do with it. And I crave to be invisible again.

Gods this is a long post isn't it. I'm sorry. I'm just typing things as they run through my mind. It's easier than working.

I started packing up my life yesterday. I could only manage two boxes. Then I had to stop. It was going to make me cry. It hurts to pack a life away. It's like ripping an arm off. I have to start over though. I have no choice. I will have to pack up then unpack in the new house. At least I'll have most of the downstairs to myself. And I have a big closet in my room. It even has a section in it that isn't behind doors. It's behind a wall. So it's very dark there. And looks like a wonderful spot to hide and sleep in. If I go missing once I've moved into the new house you'll know where to look. You'll find me in my darkness.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Faces in the Crowd

Stand awhile in the midsts of a crowd and just look around you. Do you know anything about the people surrounding you? Can you create something about them from what you can see before you?

The girl standing over there? The one swaying to and fro? Do you think she's emotional or passionate? Take into consideration the look upon her face. And look at the clothing she wears. Now which would you say?

The boy with the mohawk? Is he a rebel or a sheep? Look at the way he stomps his boots on the floor to the beat. Check out his new duds from Hot Topic. See the make-up he used to give him the gothic look. See how multi-colored his mohawk is. So is he rebel or sheep?

Look to the edge of the crowd. See the person standing and staring at you? The one with no make-up wearing an old comfy pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt? The one with a look of concentration on thier face while they ignore the music? The one who is analyzing you as you analyze others? Take in the way she glances at those around her. See the way she cringes from being bumped into. Watch as she smiles at someone before walking farther from the edge of the crowd, still watching you. Do you see how she's trying to fit you into one of her boxes? Do you recognize her need for conformity? Can you tell that she thinks everyone is a sheep in thier own way? Don't give into her. Don't let her put you in a box and cast you aside like everyone else. Keep her on her toes. Never let her figure you out. And maybe, maybe she'll learn not to stereo-type so much. Maybe you can prove to her that not EVERYONE is the same. That some people deserve to be known for them and not what they do... Don't let her make you just another face in the crowd.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Pumping Iron

Pump that Iron into your system. It's healthy for you. Makes you red blooded instead of black and blue. Don't forget the Zinc. Helps the Iron go down. Though I'd prefer a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down. Mary Poppins had the jist of things. But I'll take the Iron over Cod Liver Oil. Blech. Horrible thoughts. Did you know there's a state out there where if you're caught stealing citrus fruit you can be punished by having to swallow Cod Liver Oil. Swallowing versus what per say? Ew... Cod Liver Enema. Even more Blech.

Then there's another state where if you steal a vehicle that is over 10 years old it's only a misdemenor instead of a felony. Oh and don't shoot a whale in Utah from your car. You could go to prison. Just one question... where in the hell in Utah are you going to find a freaking whale?! In the Great Salt Lake? Yeah right. The poor thing would die so quickly you wouldn't even have time to wave at it let alone kill it yourself.

Wow my mind wanders. I refuse to set things in order in my mind. Sometimes I find it funner to have it all swirling in random order. And other times... well it takes my mind of other things I'd rather not dwell on. Not that dwelling on things happens very often for me. I just go back to it after a while to naw on it for a bit then wander off again. Like a bone I guess. Only one must keep it hidden if you're not nawing on it. Doggie Rules and all that jazz.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Have You Ever?

Have you ever noticed that when you go to a concert you can never really understand the words the Lead Singer is singing? You may know the words from having heard the song a million and four times, but you don't actually HEAR the words as they stream out the singer's mouth. The drummer, bassist, and guitarist see to that. If you can hear anything, over the pounding of the drums and the awsome sounds from the guitar(s)/bassist(s), more often than not it'll be the people in the crowd screaming the lyrics that you also know by heart.

Have you ever looked around a concert at the people? Not just the ones in the crowd. But the ones who are running around setting things up? Have you ever had the chance to watch the man at the light board? Watched as his fingers worked magic with the lighting on the stage? I did. I watched as he pounded out with the rest of the crowd and still managed to fly his fingers to the correct spots to get the correct lighting going. And still manage somewhere along the way to light up a smoke. That's what I call talent. I'm not sure I could do his job. Not without years upon years of training. And the guy last night didn't look over the age of 23.

Have you ever been driving in the dark, with no cars around, yawning and knowing that you're half asleep, and seen those figures on the side of the road? The figures that, when you turn to look at them, don't even remotely resemble what you swore was there. The figures that seem like they were alive for that moment in time. Were alive long enough to frighten you awake and then went back to their unanimated existance.

Have you ever had so may thoughts race through your head that it was hard to just choose a few? So many thoughts that you didn't know how to even begin sorting through them.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Wish Upon a Flying Car

Speeding down a freeway at 100 mph, you look into your rear view mirror and see those dreaded lights. Yeah, the red and blue ones. You know they're coming for you. Though, they don't seem to be catching up any. So you change lanes (with appropriate turn signals) and slow down to 85 mph. Then you finish crossing four lanes of traffic so you can pull off to the right side of the road.

Your passenger? Yeah, he's a little stoned. Well, more so than you. And those two margaritas? Probably wouldn't go over well with the officer seeing as how your under the legal drinking age. So don't fight. Just pull out your liscence and registration before the officer gets a chance to come up to the window.

When she asks you if you have "any idea how fast you were going?!" Reply with a meek "About 100" and just stare. Quietly hand over the liscense and registration and find your proof of insurance while she lectures you on the fact that you could be going to jail for reckless driving. Fight the nausea. Hand over the insurance card. Laugh at your friends white face and calmly say "Well, there's a first for everything I guess." And start a conversation while you wait.

When she comes back and says she only wrote the ticket for 20 over the speed limit, look grateful. Fight the laughter when she tells you that she almost pee'd herself when you flew by at 100. Deny that you will fight the ticket in court because you're not THAT insane. Agree to drive the speed limit on the way home. Roll up the windows. Put things back where they go. Pull back into traffic.

Look at the passenger and sigh in relief because she could have tested you for drugs and alcohol and you really would have been spending the night in jail. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And that? Yeah, it wouldn't have gone over very well with your parents at all.

It's bad enough you have to pay a ticket and go to a driving class to save your license. Being bailed out of jail would have sent you straight to LectureLand for the next 4 years. Not to mention you'd probably have to pay them the bail money back....

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Run for Cover! It's a Giant Dorkus!

Yes, just call me Dorkus. That'll be my name. Ignore the intellegance I claimed to have. Ignore the IQ tests. Ignore the test scores I got. I am the epitome of Dorkus-ness.

If you get a proposal not once but 4 to 5 freaking times from the same person... wouldn't it be a given they like you? Yeah, you'd think so. Unless you're a Dorkus. Then you'd be thinking... well hell, I don't think you would be thinking.

If you have a very, very, very close friend who has told you every detail about their life and never held anything back... and you sleep with his other best friend... you should probably have told him back when it happened. Unless you're a Dorkus. Then you let him find out from said other friend 6 months after the fact. And find out his fiancee? Yeah she knew before him to boot. Not going to help a friendship.

If you have a person you always flirt with next to you, and he thinks of himself as your boyfriend, it's not polite to flirt outrageously with the cute waiter/dancer/other friend/complete stranger. Unless you're a Dorkus.

Like me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Quiz zoinked from Zoot

Totally zoinked this quiz from Zoot.

What Color is Your Brain?

brought to you by Quizilla

Makes me want to start singing that "Blue" Song. You know "I'm blue, abu dah abu dee.." To bad that's all of the song I know. Or maybe that's a good thing. I'd hate to accidentally kill anyone with my singing. I am a horrible singer. Just ask anyone who's been caught in the car with me when one of my favorite songs come on. That is, if they can hear you through the bandages over their ears...

Monday, May 10, 2004

Ohhh... Comments

I think I'm in love with Blogger now. No going to Haloscan for comments. It's not you Haloscan... it's me... I still love you. Just not as much as Blogger..

Look Ma! Two Left Feet!!

When you love your mom you should tell her. When you have held your mom as your idol since you were seven, you should tell her. When you think of your mom no longer as a mom but a friend, you should... NOT tell her. If you think your mom is totally awse because she belly dances and doesn't take shit from anyone, go ahead and tell her. But not if you told her she's like a friend to you. That's just asking for it.

When you agree to take your mom to the club, remember she belly dances. Those moves on the dance floor? The ones to YOUR type of music? Yeah those are belly dancing to Rock... Not totally awse. Totally weird.

Your friends? Totally love your mom's wild spirit. They will love all the bat jewlery that is everywhere they look. They will be jealous that your mom is getting a tatoo with you on your next birthday. They will wish their mom was as cool as yours.

But all in all? It was a nice way to spend the day before Mother's Day with the lady who had to carry you for about 9 months and then push your damn head out somewhere much smaller than said head. Show a little love to the poor lady for that if nothing else...

Friday, May 07, 2004

I see you from the corner of my mind

You thought you'd left. You thought I would forget what you looked like. You thought I'd never see you again. You thought.

You really shouldn't think though. It's a disappointing venture.

When you thought you'd left? You hadn't. Well you had, but you didn't get all of yourself back. I still have a small part of you. It's called a memory. If I have a memory of you, you will forever be here.

When you thought I'd forget what you looked like? Yeah you were wrong. I spent enough time with you to have at least your face in my memory. I'll see your features in those strolling around me or lounging in the club.

When you thought you'd never see me again? You were wrong. You'll catch a glimpse of me in a store. Or you'll see me driving around my town. Maybe I'll even have a chance to say hello to you as you're waiting to turn. And maybe, my hello? It'll leave you so stunned you miss your opportunity to turn. Instead? You watch as I drive away laughing...

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Shoot the People... Save the Animals

See that person over there? Yeah the one who just beat up the weaker kid? Yeah, we should shoot him.

Oh, Oh, Oh... See that poor, poor dog over there? No... over THERE! Yeah, that one. He just beat the crap out of that smaller dog. But he's bleeding. Let's go see if we can stitch him up. What do you mean he might have rabies? Ignore the foaming at the mouth. Look! He's going to bleed to death. We Have. To. Save. Him! It's only humanitarian.

So what if I prefer animals over people? At least animals have a reason to fight. What? Ummm... the... fight... for power? Domination! That's it. Yeah. Ignore the fact that most human fights are a power struggle of some sort. Dude, you just totally got laid into by that guy *snicker*... Huh? You were sleeping with his girlfriend? Dude, we should shoot him.

Hey, check it! That gang over there? Yeah the ones with guns? We should probably hide from them... there's like 12 of them with about 3 weapons a piece... and there's like... umm... one of me with like no weapons a piece... so yeah... let's save my hide and... well... hide....

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

All must bow down to the Cat Queen

If you do not pet her when you walk in the door you will regret it. You will awake quickly with a furry bottom in your face. You will gag at the smell eminating from it. You have just gotten the dreded Cat Queen Fart punishment.

If you do not pet her once when she comes up to you durring the day, you will pay. You will be peacefully reading on the floor or in bed and she will pounce. She will step on your book and obstruct your reading. She will not let you go back to your reading until you have been forced to sit up and hold your book out of her reach. And then she will plant herself in your lap until you pet her.

However, if you do pet her when you walk in. And you intermittently, through-out the day, bend down to pat, pet, or rub her. Then when you go to bed at night, and if you call her oh-so-sweetly, she'll come and tuck you in until you've gotten just about to the point of sleep.

And then she'll find the one spot on your body that hurts and put all her 12 pounds on it.

Monday, May 03, 2004

The Sky is Falling

When it rains I want to laugh now. Because rain is falling from the sky. And I think to myself "the sky is falling, the sky is falling..." And I remember the times that I would go dance in the rain with my friends and force them into playing ring-around-the-rosie with me.

That was only about 3 years ago.

I remember the times when I was little that I would wait for a rainstorm then run outside and sit in the gutter. The gutter had the warmest water. I'd squish my toes in the gutter mud and form dams with my feet. Then I'd lay sideways and let the warm water rush around my body.

Or the times I would be walking and a rainstorm would start. The rain would drench my hair and make me hide my glasses in a pocket since I could see just as well without them as I could with them slathered with rain. And as I continued walking in the rain I'd open my mouth and try to catch raindrops in my mouth. Or I'd catch rain as it poured down my face.

I'd skip. I'd hop. I'd dance. I'd run. All because it was raining. And somewhere in my mind would be the small little voice screeching "The sky is falling... can you catch it?"